


Brides Meet Espadas

by ValentineRevenge



Category: Black Veil Brides, Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2014-05-18
Packaged: 2017-12-13 17:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValentineRevenge/pseuds/ValentineRevenge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aizen kidnaps the members of Black Veil Brides, thinking that they will give him the edge he needs to defeat Soul Society. Instead, he gets quite a bit of humor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Lord Aizen? What is that?" Ulquiorra asked when he saw the creature in the glass container, with the huge fluffy hair, clad in black leather.

"Ulquiorra, that is a rare creature from the human world. I believe it's known as a Purdy." Aizen replied, glancing at the bat.

The Purdy, in it's glass case, was currently oggling Harribel. She, in return, was sending him some seriously disapproving glares bad enough to make anything else wither in fear.

"A... Purdy." Ulquiorra stated blandly, testing out the word. It was a strange type of creature.

Was this creature going to help them win the battle against the Soul Reapers?

"So... What does it do?" Nnoitra asked. Whatever it was, to him, it looked too fluffy and adorable to do anything.

Aizen sighed. He didn't want to mention that the real reason that he had brought the bassist to Hueco Mundo was because he wanted something (else) attractive to stare at, and he was certainly grateful that it looked rather feminine. Instead, he said, "If we disable the females in the Sereitei, we exponentially increase out chances of winning."

"Exponentially?" Grimmjow asked, disbelieving. How could something that small do any real damage?"

"The 2nd and 4th squads are led by women. Women are lieutenants for over half the squads. The 4th squad is nearly entirely female. So is that orange haired woman with the healing properties." Aizen said.

"So this is going to inflict devastating damage upon the women?" Ulquiorra asked.

"In theory, yes." Aizen said. Why couldn't they just accept what he was telling them, and just go with it already?

"Does it work on gay men?" Szayel asked, a faint tremor in his voice. He didn't want to be a pink splatter on the floor... Or the wall either for that matter. He was quaking in his shoes.

"Yes, but not as effectively." Aizen said with a sigh. Could they just please shut up already?

In response to this, Nnoitra and Szayel hid behind the nearest potted plant.

"Since when the fuck are you gay?" Grimmjow asked him.

"I'm bi, dipshit, and if you had a half a brain, you'd be hiding here too!" Nnoitra spat in annoyance. Sure, it'd only be like a quarter as effective on him as on Harribel, but he wouldn't be taking any chances. He liked his remaining eye.

Ignoring the antics, Ulquiorra piped up again, asking, "How effective is he?"

"Let's see." Aizen said, before yelling, much in a manner like Davey Jones, "Release the Kracken!"

Of course, nothing happened.

"We ain't got no goddamn Kracken!" Grimmjow hissed.

So, Aizen tried again. "Release... the Purdy!"

The glass case was lifted off the creature. It's first act was to yank off it's shirt. Harribel's fraccion were staring, and Apache was actually drooling uncontrollably.

The Purdy then let out a rather loud squeal of "Boobies!", before it charged at the 3rd Espada, hands outstretched in a groping manner. She pulled out her sword, holding it at the ready.

However, before the Pesky Purdy could get sliced into little minced meat Purdy Pies, Nnoitra ran out from behind the potted plant, picking it up by the back of the neck. "Hey, Aizen, I think he works pretty well!" He yelled, before asking, "Can I keep it?"

The Purdy cringed at hearing the Spoon screaming right in it's ear.

"Where?" Aizen asked.

"My sock drawer!" Nnoitra said, his smile growing wider, showing off even more of his piano-like teeth.

"I'll go get a grave stone. Poor thing's gonna die of stink." Grimmjow said, snickering.

"But... Boobies!" Purdy said sadly, seemingly unaware of what was going on around him, waving his arms towards the 3rd.

"It's ok, lil buddy, I got porn! We're gonna be best friends forever!" Nnoitra said, squeezing the creature in a tight hug. It let out an unhappy squeal. It liked it's oxygen, which the 5th Espada was currently denying it.

And the truth of the matter was, the Poor Purdy had no idea how it managed to end up in an alternate dimension with a bunch of insane people in the first place, but it wanted it's oxygen, and it's boobies, no necessarily in that order. Oh yeah, and it wanted to get away from the Spoony B.O.

Yep, it was going to be a long day for the poor Purdy.


	2. Coma

A week after this lovely little display in the throne room, Ashley was vaguely peacefully settled as Nnoitra's new roommate. He missed the real world, however, so Aizen took it upon himself to schedule a trip to the human world to collect Ashley's two dogs, as well as some earplugs, a gas mask, an electric bass and amp, and several adult magazines.

To all of this, the Purdy squealed in delight. However, he still missed his friends. And, the poor thing was sleep deprived, and his nose hairs were just about singed right out of his nasal passages, courtesy, of the 5th Espada's snoring and stink feet, respectively.

Several days after Aizen had finally taken pity on Ashley, he sent Ulquiorra to the human world. This time, the mission was to collect another one of the Black Veil Brides.

This time, it was CC, also known as the destroyer.

The next morning, it was clear to the group gathered in the throne room that there was more than ample reason to call him the destroyer. He was already trying to break down the glass cage that they held him in, and was doing a rather thorough job of kicking the ever-loving shit out of it.

This time, it was Nnoitra who piped up, "Th' fuck is that?!"

"Chuppy!" Ashley squealed, attempting to run over to the glass, only to be hoisted up off his feet by the Spoon next to him. His legs continued to run in mid-air, while the 5th just sighed in annoyance.

"This, my dear Espada, is known as a Destroyer. I believe the name of this particular one is Christian Comma."

"Comma? Like th' punctuation mark?" Gin asked, snorting in disbelief.

This caused Aizen to scratch his head, and look down at the page he had printed off Wikipedia. "No, it's Coma. Like what you're going to be in after I get done beating you for questioning my authority as a future god!"

"Someone forgot his crazy pills this morning..." Grimmjow muttered loudly enough for the rest of the room to hear.

"Who said that?" Aizen asked, whirling around angrily.

"Yanno, if yer a god shouldn't ya be able ta tell who jus' insulted ya?" Gin asked, snickering behind his sleeve.

Aizen sighed in frustration. He would go, and have a nice cup of tea, while writing his complaints in his diary later. However, before he could get another word out of his mouth, CC had successfully lived up to his nickname, and turned the rather thick glass into a pile of shards. He jumped out gleefully, and ran towards Ashley.

"Git 'way from mah lil buddy!" Nnoitra said, holding his free hand out, catching poor CC in the middle of the face. However, he continued to try running against the hand holding him back, as Ashley continued to run in midair.

"Lord Aizen, perhaps they are friends. They seem to know each other, and your research says they are of the same group." Ulquiorra offered helpfully.

"Nnoitra, as hilarious as this is to watch, you need to drop both of them." Aizen said, throwing a disapproving glare at Gin, who merely smiled wider as he hid the videocamera he was holding up his sleeve. This would certainly be going on YouTube at a later time. Maybe it would get him more hits than the time he recorded Tosen dressing as a rapper.

"Now, Mr. Comma will be Grimmjow's roommate for the remainder of the time that he's here."

"Comma?" Szayel sniffed. Once, was an error, but to continually fuck it up required some intense skills.

"COMA!" Aizen yelled, sick and tired of his underlings correcting him. He was a god, for crying out loud! He didn't need their correction, as what he said was law.

"What!" Coma yelled back, not being too helpful.

Aizen just face-palmed. Maybe staying in Soul Society and having to fill out all that paperwork every morning would have been better than dealing with these people. He was also now starting to question why he had even thought that these Black Veil Brides were able to help him win the war.

"So, uh, what does he do?" Grimmjow asked, waving his hand at CC.

"He destroys shit, ok? He fucking destroys shit, and you're annoying me. He's your responsibility now. If he wrecks everything here, I'm kicking your ass, ok?" Aizen said, flustered and obviously upset, before he got up and walked out of the throne room.

"Lord Aizen seems as though he is soon to veer off the path of least bloodshed." Tosen piped up from the corner.

"Shaddup, Tosen, nobody gives a fuck what ya say!" Nnoitra snapped at him. Honestly, nobody did. Not even the authoress, who only uses Tosen as a joke, and the ass end of stories. However, the same can be said about how she uses Nnoitra for her stories. Just with less hate.


End file.
